The Incredible Hulk WonderCena

I make it a point to see each and every Steve Carell movie that comes out. You may recall The Incredible Burt Wonderstone from last year, which is currently making the rounds on cable TV. The plot is very basic and predictable. Even Carell phone’s it in, essentially playing a version of Michael Scott. In the film, the title character is a once-successful Vegas magician who morphs into a stubborn, arrogant, delusional caricature over time. He ends up playing to half-empty theaters doing the same schtick verbatim in the present that he did some two decades prior. Naturally, he gets overtaken by a newer, younger star, gets fired from his gig and is forced to re-evaluate his life.

Trust me, you’re not missing much, especially if you’re a WWE fan and watch John Cena every week.

The John Cena from even five years ago can be deemed a talented performer and a tremendous role model. The John Cena of 2014 is a live version of Burt Wonderstone. He is a stubborn, arrogant, delusional caricature who refuses to change his act, despite playing to half-empty arenas and being loudly and clearly rejected by a younger, hipper crowd.

Come to think of it, he sounds a lot like another guy who used to encourage us to train, say our prayers and eat our vitamins.

Sometimes art imitates art, I suppose. Sometimes, history repeats itself if the people who make history don’t learn from it. Last night, I didn’t see WWE Money In the Bank 2014. I saw WWF WrestleMania IX, (live from Burt Wonderstone’s hometown, coincidentally) where Hulk Hogan stole everyone’s thunder and took the title, much to the chagrin of almost everyone who watched it.

Luckily, the old Hulkster from was gone some three months later. He was unwilling to do what was best for business (wink wink) and was ultimately turfed. Those who didn’t know last night’s outcome beforehand were flummoxed (#CenaWinsLOL). Those who did were hoping against hope that WWE would call an audible and were disappointed when they didn’t.

It is beyond apparent that John Cena needs to change his character and beyond apparent that Cena is unwilling to do so. Now is the time to repeat history in a good way. WWE needs to release John Cena from his contract!

Now, before I get a bunch of outraged responses along the lines of ‘You idiot! TNA or Jarrett will just snatch him up, like WCW did with Hogan in 1994’, I say so what? Look how far it got them. The novelty wore off in WCW almost immediately & the company became a laughingstock. It took two years of Hogan’s crap before everyone came to their senses. Hogan re-assessed the situation & finally turned heel.

TNA isn’t going to last two more years and they can’t afford to pay Cena anywhere close to the kind of money he’s making in WWE. They are a dead issue.

That leaves Jarrett. Last I checked, GFW hasn’t put on a TV show. Even if they are ready to go soon, the last thing they need as a startup company is someone as stale as Cena running roughshod over all of the new (old?) talent. That’s a perfect way to alienate a potential fanbase who is clamoring for anything new, exciting and NOT WWE.

Japan? He may as well go to Mars. Not happening.

And what if John Cena decides it’s time to retire from the ring and focus on movies? He’s already failed as a box office draw (much like Hogan did in the 90’s). What would his post-WWE film career consist of? The Expendables IV?

The way I see it, he has nowhere to go if he wants to keep working. This is why it astounds me that WWE doesn’t just sit him down and tell him ‘This is what we’re doing. We’re turning you heel. You’re going to do this, this and this, and if you don’t like it, there’s the door.’ They have no problem doing this with everyone else, especially talent whom the fans still love unconditionally (i.e. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler). Why do they kowtow to Cena?

The fans have been begging him to turn on them since before Twitter was popular. Yes, Cena loves making kids’ dreams come true via Make-A-Wish. As cruel as it sounds, who’s going to want to see a FORMER WWE Superstar? Bully Ray and Kurt Angle aren’t breaking any charity records. The powers-that-be in Stamford need to tell him it’s their way or the highway.

And, yes, it IS their desire to turn him. Why else would they build up Reigns to take his spot? Why else would they build up Sheamus, Cesaro, Ambrose, etc. in the undercard? Sooner or later, there’s going to be a log jam in the babyface department. Sooner or later, Cena is going to run out of heels to work with. People aren’t going to reach too quickly for their remotes if the main event is Cena vs. Rusev.

I sincerely hope that WWE sticks to their rumored plans with Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns. Otherwise, Vince McMahon can kiss more of his fans and his millions goodbye. It’s not the network that is bringing the company down. It’s their insistence that it’s still 2008 and the champ is still The Incredible Hulk WonderCena.