Where's Robin?

This is a friendly warning to all of you who enjoy reading what I write. What you are about to read is a little depressing because that’s precisely what it's about.

 

Depression is a subject that is unpopular, especially on social media. You would never know from reading Robin Williams’ Twitter feed that he was on the verge of committing suicide. Unfortunately, people are not always what they appear to be. You don’t know what really happens behind closed doors. Not everything gets posted on Twitter or Facebook.

 

Depression has become a topic of debate once again since Mr. Williams’ tragic passing. The questions re-emerge. Is suicide a sickness or a weakness? Does depression truly cause suicide or is it just an excuse to perform a cruel, selfish act?

 

I’ve always believed that I’ve suffered from depression since age 16. I have attempted to deal with it for the most part without medication, with varying degrees of success. I tried meds for a short period of time years ago. Of course, those side effects that they warn you about in TV commercials happened to me, so I stopped. It’s taken me a long time to feel “normal” if you can call it that. I hate using that word. What exactly is the standard of normality? Most people who know me would maintain that I’m a little “off”, but in a good way.

 

I’ve always known of the ongoing, never-ending debate. Is there a real chemical imbalance or are depressed people just weak and cowardly? I never cared to figure it out for myself. I just deal. If I want to lay down for 2 hours for no good reason, I do it. Then, I get up and go on with my life. I get upset like most people. Sometimes my mind goes overboard. I don’t pretend to know why anymore. I think of weird, outlandish things and play out these ridiculous scenarios in my head. Then, I snap out of it and keep on living.

 

Along the way, I have figured out something that works for me. I always make sure I have something good to look forward to. That’s it. Plain and simple. If you ask yourself ‘What do you have to look forward to?’, there must always be an answer.

 

I still have my dark moments, but I always come around to that silver lining. If I have a horrible day at work, I say to myself ‘It’ll be over at 5pm and I’ll come home to my loving spouse.’ If I’m fighting with my wife, I say ‘At least I can go into another room. She’ll fall asleep later and maybe there will be makeup sex tomorrow.’

 

Even if you take it to the extreme and everything goes wrong - you hate your job and you’re fighting with your spouse, you have no money in your checking account, you’re not sleeping enough, etc etc. - there’s always something good on the horizon. Maybe it’s your trip to Walt Disney World in November or the holidays after that. After the new year, you have spring training in February, baseball season soon after that and warmer weather again soon after that.

 

Those are all hypotheticals, but the point is there is always something good coming around the bend. When that something good is over, I look forward to the next good thing.

 

There’s always a reason not to harm yourself and/or take your own life.  If you don’t have a reason, make one. Adopt a pet. Immerse yourself in a crazy hobby. Become insanely obsessed with it if necessary. People might think you’re strange. Believe me, you’re better off being strange than dead. The most important thing to remember is that everything, good or bad, is temporary. Savor the good while it lasts and remember the bad won’t last forever.

 

That’s why I keep living. That’s why I become curious when someone I admire, like Robin Williams, kills himself.

 

Maybe it’s not really depression that I’ve been battling all these years. Maybe it’s just life. I’ve never really questioned it until now. Ultimately, suicide is a choice. Or is it?  Is it truly a medical issue that destroys your better judgment? Did Robin Williams have a real disease that made him do this to himself, or did he take the easy way out in an act of ultimate cowardess? That’s the unanswered question every time something like this happens to a celebrity.

 

If suicide is done by choice, then depression is the tool that makes you choose it. If that’s the case, then I've never truly suffered from it after all. I’ve had huge mood swings for no adequate reason. A few times in the past, I have wondered what it would be like to end it. When I’ve played it out in my head, when I’ve thought about the consequences of my possible actions, the people I will hurt after I’m gone and the pain I will endure if I am unsuccessful, I’ve declined. Most importantly, when I have thought the possibility of going to Hell, I‘ve decided not to do it every time. Does that mean I am not truly sick?

 

Hell. That has always been the key for me. I cannot downplay the role of religion in all this. Somewhere along the way, someone told me that if I kill myself, I go to Hell. End of story. Do not pass ‘Go.’ Do not collect $200. I was told that it’s the most horribly painful and terrifying place ever, so much worse than I could possibly imagine. Hell is infinitely worse than life at its lowest point. That’s what I was taught. No matter how bad I’ve felt at any point in my life, even when I’ve forgotten for a brief moment about all the people who love me and care about me and all the things I have to look forward to, the bottom line is I don’t want to go to Hell. Therefore, I live.

 

I want to go to Heaven when my life is over. I want to be reunited with my loved ones and see the world that I didn’t get to see when I was alive. I want to travel back in time and see Babe Ruth, John Lennon and visit EPCOT Center pre-1994 as many times as I choose. I want to sit in the upper deck at Shea Stadium again. I’m inclined to believe that all of that is possible in Heaven.

 

People are always quick to say that someone is “at peace” after killing themselves. Is Robin Williams is really at peace, or are we all celebrating his journey into eternal damnation? It’s a question I hate to ask, but I can’t help it. I always get confused when it comes to religion. I’m not certain what non-Catholics believe. Is there a Heaven and Hell for them too? People believe different things about how to live and what happens when they die. Is there a separate Heaven and Hell for each religion, and yet another for those who don’t believe in anything? I tend to think that there is a Heaven and Hell that is accessible to all. We just take different roads to get there.

 

I am very sad that Robin Williams is gone, but there a small part of me that wonders where he really went after he died. That’s the part that makes me feel the saddest. I want him to be in my afterlife. He made the world a better place. He seemed to have enough money to last him the rest of his life, even if he never earned another dollar. He seemed to have a loving family and an unquestioned legacy as an actor and comedian. Why would he do it? Did he foolishly choose to throw it all away or did a higher power decide it was his time?

 

It’s well-documented that Williams battled drug and alcohol addiction during his life. Let’s assume for a moment that alcohol played a part in this tragedy. If he chose to drink, then maybe we have our answer. Then again, did he know that the alcohol would cloud his judgment to the point where he’d want to commit suicide? If he did, would he have drank to begin with? Did he drink because he knew it would make him do it and was that his intention all along? There’s a real grey area there.

 

Where’s Robin? I wish I had the answer, but God only knows. For now, I’ll just stay the course, be the best person I can be and wait until someone other than me decides I can visit Walt Disney World in 1986 with my grandfather again. I’ll be sure to ask him what happened to Robin Williams when I get there.