What I Choose To Become

First and foremost, it is never anyone's business why somebody decides to consume or not consume anything, whether it be food, alcohol or other recreational substances. Nobody has questioned me on this topic recently. However, I started thinking about the who, what, where, when, why and how and decided to offer some context.

My grandfather, Vincent Scala Sr., was always kind and loving towards me. He was a lively individual who enjoyed his Yankees, his horse racing and trips to Atlantic City. He also enjoyed his alcohol. By all accounts, he enjoyed it too much. I don't know what made him tick. I wasn't around for 95% of the bad times. 

Towards the end of his life, all of his major organs started failing. His four children (and my grandmother, by then his ex-wife) took turns caring for a belligerent, mean bastard that was once my kind, fun-loving grandfather. Finally, my father took him in. There he stayed until his life ended in 1998. When I started noticing changes in my behavior after excessive drinking, I remembered my grandfather. That is why I stopped for a long time in my 20s.

Fast forward to around 2007. I started dating a girl named Lindsay. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Lindsay had an ulterior motive. Once upon a time, Lindsay and Dan were high school sweethearts. They broke up and Dan got married to someone else. Soon after, Dan realized his wife was unstable. Lindsay tried to get back with him, but he wouldn't leave his wife. She seemingly gave up and started dating again. 

That's where I came in. After a few dates, she came clean with me about Dan and revealed she still has feelings for him. Rather than accept this and move on, I took it as a personal challenge and tried to win her over. I kept hanging out with her doing everything she wanted to do. I went to the gym with her. We went out to bars, saw live music. We went to drum corps events throughout the Northeast. I enjoyed all of these things, but ultimately, I did it to be with her. All the while, I started drinking more frequently, like most of the free world, like Lindsay did. I had trouble sleeping, which I equated to the beer. Looking back on it, maybe - just maybe - there were other factors at play, like my feeble attempts to win over the girl despite my best efforts. 

Ultimately, Dan got a divorce. He and Lindsay got back together and lived happily ever after. Yay for them. I left the beer in the past along with her. Other than a couple of brewskis when Jen and I first met, I hadn't touched booze. I literally did not have a sip of alcohol from July 2016 until last week. Maybe I made an ill-conceived connection between drinking and the memories that it brought back. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, like I often do. 

All I know is I had half a beer yesterday and I inhaled something that didn't adversely affect me. I had a great day with great friends and I slept fine. This is not the beginning of my downfall. This does not lead to me becoming someone who drinks and smokes excessively. Maybe I'm shedding some skin, so to speak. I don't need to drink and I don't have to drink. Like the old saying goes, I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. I'm still me. I'm still the guy who orders water or Sprite at the bar. I'm also the guy who has chosen to have another beer someday.