A Message to Incoming College Freshmen

On this rainy Tuesday, many of our young friends in New York are going back to school. Football season is upon us. Thankfully, hockey season is fast approaching as well. This is the time of year where I look back on my time at University of New Haven. You know, the "best years of my life" that I'm still paying for?

We all know some people who are venturing off to college for the first time. I'm here to tell you it will be fine... just as long as your parents have money to send you. Back in my day, I had to wait for the check to come in the mail, the mail that took an extra two days to go through the UNH mailroom. It was either that or go to a random convenience store to collect via Western Union. 

It will be fine as long as you have a car. This doesn't apply to those who go to John Jay and take mass transit. It does apply to those who go to school upstate or in New England. Don't rely on others to drive you. Don't rely on the bus to take you to the mall. You'll encounter some weird-ass people on the bus. Besides, malls are a dying breed anyway. Yes, it costs more to fill up your car. You'll need it to get to and from your job at the movie theater. Also, you might meet that cool cat who thinks your 1980 Datsun 510 is the shit. 

If you have family living nearby, don't be too proud to stop by, spend the night and mooch a meal. It's not home, but it's familiar territory, nonetheless. Just make sure they leave the garage door unlocked for you. Also, if you have an old POS car that leaks oil, don't park in their driveway. It's embarrassing. 

You have my permission to drink. Do it early and get it out of your system. Get a nice bout of alcohol poisoning the week before the Super Bowl. That way, when you do the right thing and only have two or three on the big night, you'll be sober enough to take care of your frat buddy when he gets extremely hammered. He'll need you to hold him down in the back of a pickup as you drive back from Milford on I-95. 

Remember that movie theater you work at? When you befriend the assistant manager and get invited to his bachelor party, whatever you do, do NOT drink the bottle of blue alcohol. I repeat. Do NOT drink the bottle of blue alcohol! Do not ask what it is. They'll just tell you "Why don't you drink it and find out?" You will drink it and you won't find out. You will be fucked up beyond belief. You will drive home drunk for the first and only time in your life. Actually, you won't. You'll drive to the Showcase Cinemas just to show your co-workers just how fucked up you really are. Don't even bother getting tickets to the midnight showing of the latest horror film. You won't understand it and you'll leave after twenty minutes, when you've sobered up just enough to continue your journey back to the dorms.

Do not walk home through the bad part of town after the concert at the Palace Theatre. You will get mugged. Maybe you'll get home $27 lighter. Maybe you won't be so lucky. Remember that car you're supposed to have (John Jay students notwithstanding)? Trust me, you'll need it. 

Smoke weed. Eat edibles. That's a no-brainer. Not too much though. Otherwise, you'll leave nonsensical voicemails on your roommates' phones. You're not a better drummer than Ringo Starr when you're high. Don't let your other high-as-fuck friends fool you. You're also not as good at singing as you think. Don't take that Vocal Performance class. You will be crushed. 

Run down the halls at 3am yelling 'I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!!' For extra credit, yell it into a traffic cone. Your friends will love it.

Spend time on campus doing activities. Write for the school paper. Volunteer at the campus radio station. The people you meet there may just be in your life twenty years later.  You may just talk about the latest drama from the wrestling world while you're cooking dinner and catching up with your other friends. 

If you didn't have sex in high school, that's okay. You will have sex in college. It may not happen until your senior year, but it'll make it all the more amazing when it does. The person you meet online may just be The One. Maybe not. Either way, when you pull up to that very same movie theater to watch a re-release of John Grisham's The Rainmaker and you start making out in the car before the show, it'll be worth the wait. When you drive to a nearby park in her old hometown and start making out, the cops may question you. How do you know it's love and not lust? When you go to the mall and wait in line for three hours to get her a signed 8x10 of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (yes, the man actually signed it) and you don't get one for yourself, trust me it's love. 

When he or she sleeps over for the weekend, make sure your roommate has left the apartment before you do the morning sex. He doesn't want to come back into the bedroom for his keys and see your ass sticking up doing unspeakable things. He'll never let you live it down. Also, don't tell your radio station mentor about it either. He has no filter. He'll ask your significant other about her exploits, turning her face bright red.

What happens with you and your first adult love after college is up to you. I can't say I was wrong because I ultimately found my wife. If you break up with him or her after graduation, you will both cry. If you're a man, you'll want to get back with her in six months. If you're a woman, don't do it. It's the best thing you can do for the both of you. If you meet a new friend years later that somehow looks like the one that popped your cherry, don't even give it a second thought. They're called doppelgangers and God has a sense of humor. 

Listen to all the music. All of it. It is possible to appreciate The Beatles, Smashing Pumpkins, Tori Amos, Tower of Power, Bela Fleck, Garth Brooks and Type-O Negative all at once. While you're at it, take a History of Rock class. It may come in handy at the radio station if you've heard of both No Doubt and The Dave Clark Five. When somebody asks you what you're listening to on your air pods, it's okay to say John Mellencamp. It's not okay to say Celine Dion.

I almost forgot to mention your scholastic education. It's okay to switch majors. It's okay to change your mind about your career path a few times throughout college. Just know what to expect when you get out. Form a plan. Don't just graduate and expect people to hand you a job on a silver platter. It won't happen and you'll eventually have to settle for a job with an insurance company. At least it's job security. 

One last thing. Don't listen to me if you don't want to. I went to college over twenty years ago. Time passes, things change. Whatever you do, just enjoy yourselves. It'll truly be the best time of your life. But seriously, do not drink the mystery blue glass bottle.